I am posting a partial interview with Miss Elsie Spade and a discussion about Scrapbook.So here it is(part 1)
Enjoy!
D. Reign
Phone Rings
Voice: Good morning, Heavenly Rest Assisted Living
Interviewer: Oh , hi, I guess there must be a time change. I didn’t realize it was still morning there.
Receptionist: It’s always morning here, dear. To whom do you wish to speak?
Interviewer: Miss Elsie Spade.
Receptionist: Ah, yes. She’s here. No one knows WHY of course. Let me get her. (yelling in the background.)
Tell Elsie to get over here, she has a phone call) She’ll be right with you, Sir.
Elsie in the background : Who the hell is it?
Receptionist: Please ! We don’t use that kind of language around here.
Elsie: Alright, I’m comin.
Elsie: Hello!
Interviewer: Hi, Miss Spade?
Elsie: Yes? You’re not going to try to sell me something are you?
Interviewer: (laughing)No ma’am. Nothing like that. I just wanted to interview you about your book, “Scrapbook of a Wheezy One Hundred Year Old Bat.” I'm writing an article.
Elsie: For who? What newspaper.So what about it? Did you buy a copy?
Interviewer: Please, one question at a time. Yes I did. I was interested in getting your point of view on things.
Elsie: If it’s points you want, points you get., Sonny. How old are you?
Interviewer: Uhm, 35, Ma'am.
Elsie: Too young.
Interviewer: Now you were born in 1911?
Elsie: Yep.
Interviewer: So what was life like back in 1911?
Elsie: Listen Sonny I was born in 1911. I wouldn't be reading a newspaper in 1911 since I had just got yanked out of my mother's womb, and I was layin on a kitchen table in Newark, NJ.
Interviewer: okay. Let me rephrase the question. What kinds of things do you remember from your childhood?
Elsie: let me see. None of it was very good. In fact, it was a textbook nightmare. But these days, people don't tough it out. Everybody runs off to a psychiatrist. In my day if you are running down the street buck naked yelling," Lucky Lindy flies again!" Now you went off to the loony bin. You people crack a fingernail, and windup laying on some crackpot Dr.'s couch somewheres.
Interviewer: I guess you're saying that there was more stress back then there is now. Right now, were in the middle of a really bad economy.
Elsie: AW, Pal, you have no idea what a bad economy is. I'm talking crash of 29. No food, no jobs, people would've done anything for nickel. Some poor bastards even turned to crime out of desperation. I remember some of my relatives riding the rails, you know, traveling from place to place trying to find work to send money back home. All of our clothing was a bunch a hand-me-downs from hand-me-downs. It was particularly tough on us, because me and my sister had no mother. She died. So we stayed with relatives who had their own problems, and eventually we went to an orphanage. It was a religious orphanage so we had uniforms, Catholic school uniforms, so we were all sort of equal--equally poor. My father was killed by his third wife.
Interviewer: sorry hear that.
Elsie: I'm not. He was a bastard. Can we get to talking about my book? It's got a be lunch time soon, and the meatloaf is actually pretty good here. I don't want to miss it because I'm talking to you.
Interviewer: Oh sure now let's take a look at page 8 of your book. I really liked those two people.
Elsie: Oh yes. You're talking about Chester and Venus. They were a lot of fun back in their day just look at them. Can't you see they were a barrel of laughs?
Interviewer: Really? They were a lot of fun?
Elsie: Oh hell no, no! Those two could bore the balls off Ferdinand the bull. And besides, they were self-righteous whiners. I really didn't like him very much.
Interviewer: So why did you put them in your book if you didn't like Chester and Venus?
Elsie: It's a free country ain’t it? If I want to insult somebody, that's my business. I'm 100 years old remember? Being 100 is a very freeing thing young man. I want to walk down the street naked who is going to care? At my age most of my friends and family are also pushing up daisies, so what people think really doesn't matter to me. Next question.
Interviewer: okay, let's turn to page 26 Victorian girls’ night out. Your note at the bottom of the page says," as usual the party at Hester's was a rocking good time Patty and the third from the right was hoping to set the barn on fire that night with the girls." Now Elsie, are you in that picture anywhere?
Elsie: Yep, I'm the one looking for the bathtub gin, hehehehe.
Interviewer: So what about the lady on page 16. Tell me about her.
Elsie: Oh that was Granny-maw in her youth. She was a neighbor down the street.
Interviewer: Did she really have a face lift?
Elsie: No, but if her face was any tighter you coulda bounced a quarter off it.
Interviewer: I see.
Elsie: Then there was my cousin on page 17.
Interviewer: Why did you put “So Bored” in her little thought bubble.
Elsie: Sonny, does she look interested in life to you? The answer is “No!”
Interviewer: I don’t know. She could be.
Elsie: Yeah, but she croaked years ago, so you won’t never know.
To Be Continued....
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